Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Empty bottles and cans
Thrown about by some louse

My best bottle I'd hidden
Near the chimney with care
Had been found by some drunk
Who drank it right there

All our buddies and pals
Had been poured in their beds
To awake the next morning
With hungover heads

My lips dry as hell
Up and down they did flap
I thought It'd be swell
To have one more nightcap

And then from the roof
I heard such a yell
We all sprang to our feet
To see what had befell

And what with my bloodshot eyes
Did I see
But eight staggering reindeer
Caught up in a tree

Way up in the branches
Was a man in a sleigh
I knew it was Santa
Quite fat and quite gay

Nearer and nearer
Those eight reindeer came
While old Santa hiccuped
And called them by name

On Whiskey! On Bourbon!
We ain't got all night
You too Gin and Vodka
Let's all do it right!

Jump up on the roof
Get the hell out this tree
Start moving you rummies
I'll help you get free

So up on the roof
Went the reindeer and sleigh
But a tree branch hit Santa
Oh, how his body did sway!

And then to my ears
Like the roll of a barrel
A shrill of a noise
Like no Christmas Carol

So I lifted my head
And sharpened my ear
Down the chimney he plunged
Landing smack on his rear

His suit was all red
With white fur for a trim
The way that he staggered
He was tanked up to the brim

Although he was tight
And tried to stand right
He didn't fool me
He was high as a kite

He spoke not a word
And got straight to his job
But he missed half the stockings
That plastered old slob

Then thumbing his hand
To the tip of his nose
He wiggled his fingers
As he quoted some prose

He jumped for his sleigh
At so hasty a pace
That he tripped on a roof tile
And fell flat on his face

And I heard him belch back
As he passed out of sight
MERRY CHRISTMAS you lushes
Now really get tight!